Tom and I bought our tickets to go to Texas for a month over Christmas.
With the trip coming up, Tom and I are starting to look at Amazon with a bit more zeal than usual. You can get things from Amazon sent to New Zealand, but a twenty dollar lemur onesie suddenly becomes a sixty dollar lemur onesie when the shipping gets added in. So sadly, we don’t shop on Amazon.
But now we can order things and get them shipped to my parents’ house. I’m like a kid who’s been living in some podunk town his whole life that only had a dollar store, a diner, and a petrol station and suddenly someone takes him to a big-city Walmart and he just can’t BELIEVE all the stuff he can buy.
That’s how I feel.
All year long I think of things I wish I could buy on Amazon. But now I actually can’t think of much. I really would absolutely LOVE to have a lemur onesie, but I don’t think I could actually buy it for myself and still feel like a grown-up. Which is why, with Christmas coming up in a few months, I’ll find a way to mention how much I’d love a lemur onesie in every blog I post.
And then maybe one of my thousands of loyal readers ( I like to call them my minions) will buy it for me and have it shipped to my parents’ house. It would bring so much joy into my life. And into the lives of those around me as well.
Tom says that whatever he buys and has shipped to my parents’ house under the “special instructions” box on the Amazon order page he’s going to request they write “sex toys” on the outside of the package so it shocks my parents when it arrives.
I don’t think Tom remembers last year when I was in Texas while he was deployed and ordered a few different little outfits. The only place in my parents’ house with a head-to-toe mirror was in their bathroom and their bathroom doesn’t have a door separating it from their bedroom which means I had to commandeer their whole room. I tried to be vague about why they needed to stay out of their bedroom for a bit but somehow “I’m trying on a sexy school girl outfit” just slipped out. And it resulted in my mother knocking on the door every few minutes and calling out, “How does it look? Can I see?”
It was a bit strange.
There was another costume I’d ordered before I went back to New Zealand but it didn’t arrive in time. I told my parents to hold on to a package from Sexy Lingerie until I got back the next year and they said they would without even blinking an eye. I don’t think having a package show up at their house labeled “sex toys” would phase them much. Although having TEN packages labeled “sex toy” arrive might just get them a little bit worried.
It would actually be pretty funny if Tom also added in the instruction box, “Signature needed. If now one answers, drop off at neighbor’s house.”
Now I’m thinking about the outfit I ordered from Sexy Lingerie which is waiting at my parents’ house. I don’t remember what it is. To be honest, I’m not real big into sexy outfits because they don’t really make me feel that sexy. I had one that I bought once which involved tall black heels but I was so focused on walking out of the bathroom and into the bedroom without falling or looking like an idiot that I forgot I was supposed to be looking sexy and seductive.
The two costumes I’ve bought so far have been relegated to the back of my underwear drawer and Tom has not asked for them to reappear. I’d like to think this is because he thinks my sexiness is too much for him to handle already.
Either way, sexiness is how you feel about yourself right? And I feel sexiest and most confident in my leopard-print slippers and track pants, making tortillas. Covered in flour and wearing 20-year old slippers might not be sexy to Tom but it’s all about how I feel.
Tom has probably learned how to accept my seduction techniques as they are anyway. A while ago he told me that he knows when I’m feeling frisky because I sing either Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” or “Let’s Get It On” in the shower. “I do NOT do that!” I told him. He just raised his eyebrows at me and smiled.
And then the other day I was in the shower shaving my legs and I was singing “Sexual Healing” and I realized I WAS feeling frisky and suddenly I felt my entire face flush red. Tom was right.
My seduction techniques are AMAZING.
After writing this post I looked up lemur onesie pictures so that my minions would know what I was talking about. And then I thought….Hmmmm, I wonder if there are SEXY lemur onesies.
But I did find this….
It’s a sexy penguin costume.
We’ll go ahead and add that to the Christmas wish list.
Imagine me singing “Sexual Healing” while dressed as a sexy penguin.
Tom won’t know what hit him.