I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but here in New Zealand it is quite common to see men in short shorts. I mean really short shorts. They make me slightly uncomfortable when I see them.
And then Tom (my boyfriend, NOT Magnum P.I.) , that glorious man, had to go and tell me something that made things even worse….
I was talking to him about short shorts and how I find them strange and awkward and he said, “You know what’s even weirder? Is when you’re in a public bathroom and there’s a guy in short shorts standing at the urinal next to you and rather than pull the front of the shorts down he just pulls his penis through the leg of the shorts. Now that’s uncomfortable.”
I was shocked. Seriously shocked. What a weird thing. I mean, to be so damn lazy that you can’t even bother to hike down your shorts to take a pee.
Wow. Just wow.
And then Tom told me that there is a guy on the All Blacks rugby team, Jerry Collins, who took a knee on the field just before a rugby game and peed and someone snapped a picture of him. Keep in mind, rugby here has pretty much the same popularity as football in the U.S. and the All Blacks are New Zealand’s favorite team. The stadium was completely full, thousands of people were watching the game on TV, yet according to Tom, no one thought it was a big deal. They just figured he didn’t have time to make it back to the bathrooms before the game. They probably thought it was right considerate of him not to just pee on the opposing team’s players during a maul. For those who don’t know, a maul is one of those rugby pile-ups where it looks to me like they’re not doing a whole bunch except trying to squash each other like pancakes. It’d be the perfect time to degrade an opposing team player with some urine.
This is Jerry Collins taking a wee. What a classy guy.
Less than an hour after Tom and I had that conversation we were at Starbucks because I needed my monthly coffee-flavored sugar treat and in front of us, waiting for his coffee, was a 50-something looking man wearing short shorts and sneakers. And thanks to Tom, I looked at him and started wondering how he peed in public restrooms. And then the guys friend came out of the bathroom and stood next to him and he was wearing short shorts and I started wondering if he did the through the shorts thing. I turned to my boyfriend and whispered, “Dammit, Tom, now every time I see men in short shorts I’m going to be thinking about their penises and their public restroom habits. Thanks for that.”
And Tom just shrugged his shoulders a little, smiled a calm yet utterly pleased with himself smile, and said, “Brilliant”.